The phone in my office, having no display screen what so ever beeped. Thinking it would be business matters of my direct superiors I answered it with my most cordial, soft-spoken, feminine "Hello.."

and the voice on the other end of the line said

"Oh hello, I don't recall you sounding like that..."

Weird. "Sorry who's on the line?"

Male voice says: "I know you but you don't know me. I want to have a date with you."

"Sir, if this concerns my #SeptSocials to contact me on my Business Line would mean you have my cell line. Fill in the form and try again."

"You sound raspy and energetic when you're angry."

WTF wei.

"Yeap, I know Halloween and all is coming but you're definitely scary. If I find out who you are, you're not getting a date with me. But thank you for calling. Any thing I can do to help you with work though?"

"You can have a date with me."

"Eh sorry no, running off now. Try not to call me on this line anymore. Thank you."

"Never mind I will call you back *puts down the phone*"

Whoever you are. DON'T CALL BACK. MWAHAHAHAH!

No one by-passes the form. Fill it in and Get in line! You all damn daring nowadays harh? Calling a girl at her office to ask for dates without revealing your name.It scares the hell out of me knowing that I have weird stalkers but you're nothing I cannot take care of.

YOU... MUST BE SOMEONE WHO GOT MY BUSINESS CARD. *snuffs*

So weird one....

          

This isn't just some random LOL, OMG, WTF post or a sign of desperation (I assure you Mom, your girl has not yet reached the breaking point of her sanity, let alone her emotions).

I am about to dedicate the nights and days in September, to meet new people (especially the opposite sex) or to get to know the ones I'm already acquainted with a little better.

So Why should you date me?

It's hard to self promote and be humble at the same time, I'm not very good at being pretentious so I'll just roll it all up and promise you that there will be definitely some interesting take home Kodak moment OR I have a natural talent to say something that will be permanently etched in your memory. Some just witnessed me nearly setting a shisha / Ramly burger joint on fire recently, but let's save that story for when I go out with you.

You should be able to tell by now that I'm random, impish with that "Bring It On" Attitude. I will not overblow the fact that being able to pole dance gives me extra credit, because there is really more to me than just being flexible and having a good grip. I am passionate about alot of things from History to Physics, Anime to LOL Speek, Music to Charity. Politics and Cars tho, are definitely not my strong points.

I have a decent physical stature and because I aim to please most of the time, impressions mean lasting moments for me. That doesn't mean I will take ages to get ready tho!

No. I do not have a jealous other half at this moment who will pose any threat to you should you be caught with me. Make sure you don't too XD

Oh wait, I do need to go through a filtration process, with abit of background check before I proceed. I've got to be 100% positive that I don't end up being brought to some dark alley by a crazed stranger. So lets get it cracking. Download your form here and tell me when you are available for September I am locked down on Mondays tho and the 4th, 5th, 6th, 11th and 12th of September tho

Send them to aprilyim@gmail.com and successful applicants will be notified

This is going to be one heck of an experience

          

However until today, people still keep christening me new, unique and urm, well. misleading names. Here's what I remember.

Ms. Bossy- Given to me by my cousin Allistair. When this boy of 7 years came back to stay with his 3 year old cousin sister and family. He brought back some really AWESOME M.A.S.K. (Mobile Armoured Strike Kommand) figurines. Somehow the dude actually befriended the opposing criminal organizational band V.E.N.O.M. (Vicious Evil Network Of Mayhem) in one of his imaginary playtimes. In my fragile little 3 year old mind was a neon bllboard of information popping out...YOU DO NOT MAKE MATT TRAKKER AND MILES MAYHEM SHAKE GOD DAMN HANDS! (GAWD, WHY DO I REMEMBER ALL THIS POINTLESS INFORMATION)Disgruntled that should NOT be the way to play M.A.S.K., I snatched each figurine away and dictated him how to play it the RIGHT way.

Tau Fu Poh (Bean curd auntie)- I eat meat like I'm on a vengance spree to kill animals that have defied my human sanctity. I never ate a single leaf of vegetables until I turned 18 or 19. But if there was one vegetarian bit I loved was bean curd (Tau Fu). Between ages 5-9 years old, every family meal ALWAYS had Tau fu JUST FOR ME.

Saboh Queen (Short for Sabotage Queen)- Given to me by my bro/sis cousins Jamie and Andrew followed by other cousins, Rene, Collin and Richard. On the occassion, that I completely dumped my 14 Barbie dolls and sold my soul to Sega and Nintendo Consoles, I would challenge my older cousins to games. Everything from organ ripping duels in Mortal Kombat, IQ Puzzles, and of course...RIDGE RACER! I always teased every opponent giving them false hope to win and then give them a slow, dying suffering death.

Ostrich-with-a-flat-nose - This is one I shall never ever forget. Poh Leng, my form 1 class mate (the braniac of the class) said that's what my name spelt backwards (Lirpa) probably meant. Being Naive and I certainly didn't want to burst her bubble, I was potrayed as an Ostrich in drawings in the classroom. I did object however that Ostriches cannot have flat noses cause they have BEAKS and I most certainly do not have a flat nose myself.

Whale - Marie did this to me. I can't remember what sparked this. But I must have been swimming like one since we were both in Swimming club together. How disrespectful of her to call her Vice President of the club that hahahha!

Pink Lady - One of most well embraced nicknames. I liked the reason behind it but not the name. It sounded almost like I was dressed in an Victorian dress but with carrying pink porkies under my arm. My choir girls gave this to me while I was reigning as President of the club. I had everything in pink. From a pink liquid paper, to pink staples and even a pink coloured geometry set! I had it all!

Sneezing Banshee - The origins of this name seem very blurry to me. I can explain that it's because I have a sneeze that is measured between 6000-8000 Hz. Ear piercing. You DON'T WANT to stand next to me when I settle my reflexes.

Ronda Queen - Ah mom calls me that. I'm daring and adventurous enough to go driving anywhere and everywhere alone according to her.

Deep Throat - The Blogosphere has been kind enough (or cruel) to bless me with this name for my uncanny ability to down a large chunk of food down my esophagus in one raptor like swallow. I can (and will if there is a dare involved) swallow a whole piece of cake down in one gulp. Think Secret Recipe size. I got alot of emails and requests from fans when this video was posted up...but to answer your curious minds.... I HAVE NOT TRIED OKAY?

Make Up Monster - Yes I am one. I have more makeup than a fingernail clippings a human being can cut off in a lifetime.

 Now...what other nicknames have you got for me?

          

Now, I am that one kind of girl who truly enjoys a whole basket of steamed pork dumplings all to herself. I can down 3 or 4 baskets in one seating too, which really depends on my appetite.

Dad was complaining about how much I eat (oh he fears that his daughter won't get married because of her frightening ravenous hunger when meal time comes to play) and mom's friend drops me a friendly slap in the but as I appear more than nonchalant about it.

A slap on the streets of Jalan Telawi(s), and then my mom and her friend seem to be trigger happy slapping the cheeks of my butt.

''GIRL...." auntie goes...

''SO SOFT! better go and exercise" *slap slap*

*mom slaps* "Aiyoh girl, people slap your bum or see your bum, people will thing you 'kena' (get) banged alot oh! " *slap* "Correct or not auntie?" *slap*

*auntie slaps again* " Yah better exercise adi lu"

Now..all that slap wasn't really necessary, but the moment close relations start comparing my physical outlook to that of a professional courtesan, I flipped!

Mom had to rub in ..."Some more you wear these kind of pants...short, short, people can see your saggy bum"

My favourite pair of shorts too -_-"

I spent the rest of the evening trying to hide my buttocks from plain sight. How unnecessary and uncalled for. This is the bloody first time I've ever heard that ladies get a flat butt from sleeping around too much. Not that I have experience, but I thought sexual intercourse was a form of exercise that is supposed to keep you fit.
Geez...now I really have to start doing squats, lunges and god knows what to put some cushion back into my whore-like ass some seriously flat back tires .

I REALLY DESPISE EXERCISE! I'll try to moan and groan less about working out. If anyone meets me after this post, it would do you much good if you PLEASE don't observe me bum for a while.

          

As I grew up, there were of course, several schools (mom, grandmom's, aunts and nannies had their own way) of thought to toilet etiquette and conduct (regardless if you were in the presence of others or not). I thought I always had it right... until I unintentionally flashed more than decent flesh at one point of my life of tertiary education.

How could I ever reveal so much without noticing? Let me illustrate...

Several debates over the mamak table have ended in 'The dump goes straight in the hole'.  Sure...males and females take a dump the same way. But what if we pee?

Guess my way would be more feasible for the pee to get right in the hole! But wait..if a man really had to go pee in a squat toilet...which way does he actually face... *ponders*

I've also always had this fear of getting my foot stuck in such a gaping hole in the ground.Hanging my ass over the seemingly bottomless abyss  would actually increase the chances of such, thus I prefer to have everything in front of me. We've got to minimise such risks you know....

I'm also a pretty lazy person. Doing it the normal way would mean I would have to perform such actions in sequence.
1) shut the door

2) TURN

3) aim and estimate for feet positioning

4) TURN

5) do my business

6) TURN

7)  Flush remnants

TURN

9) Exit stall
My way seems to have simplified things... think of all the time you'll save not having to turn so much and do all that topographical planning on feet placement

1) close door

2) TURN

3) Do business

4) Flush

5) TURN

6) Exit stall

So there is a reason why I was given directions to use the squat toilet as so